photo by Mary Beth Hertz

Cultivating self-awareness allows us to see others as complete human beings, fostering deeper connections that can counteract societal division.

A fascinating side effect of being an educator and parent of school age children has been a shift in how I perceive and interact with not just the families I work with, but with people in all different settings. The woman running the register at the store I’m shopping in may have kids at home who depend on her. The greeter at Walmart has his own life, goals, and hobbies, and maybe a family at home as well. This shift has been a direct result of my own journey of self-awareness that has led me to be able to connect with and feel more connected to others.

Maybe it’s something about the current times that makes me crave connection or maybe it’s just reaching that mid-life stage where you are forced to get to know yourself all over again now that nearly half of your life has gone by. We are all affected by our life experiences. The joys, excitement, sorrow, disappointments, they all shape our perspective on the world and how we relate and connect with others. It’s taken me a few years of self-reflection to come to a better understanding of myself and that self-awareness can be liberating and crushing at the same time. It has, however, led to an untethering of sorts. I’ve been able to pick my head up more and look around, to really notice people and places in a clearer way, less clouded by my own thoughts, doubts, and that inner narrator that has often distracted me from being fully present. It’s also left a shadow over the many, many years where that cloud made me miss out on the full experience, misinterpret people, places, and situations, or have huge holes in my own memories.

Through this process I have also been able to let go of my pre-determined perceptions and try to see people fully, not just in the role they are fulfilling at the time, but fully as parent, a sister, a caregiver, and other roles they may play in their own lives. We all hold many roles in our lives and store some away depending on the situation.

In education, we like to say that we aim to teach the “whole child.” This experience of understanding myself as a whole person, with all of my flaws, and of really seeing people extends to my students as well. Not only do I want them to know that they are truly seen, I also want them to understand that I, too, have many layers. In the classroom, we are all flawed humans learning together, screwing up, celebrating successes, with good days and bad days. Am I great at this every day? Absolutely not. It’s what makes teaching extremely difficult and extremely joyous at the same time. Being fully present in the classroom is also both liberating and crushing.

At a time in our country where we are being constantly divided, and rhetoric becomes more and more about “us vs. them,” it feels odd to double down on connection, on togetherness, on our innate connections as humans. Yet, I know that I’m not alone. After years and years of divisiveness, and watching our tenuous system of democracy be challenged over the last few months, this feels like the natural and only course of action. The only cure for divisiveness is connection.

Our classrooms are microcosms of the larger society. As James Baldwin said, “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” I know my students are watching and listening. I know my own children are watching and listening. My words, and more importantly, my actions, model that connection, that seeing of others, that can help heal the divisiveness young people are exposed to. It is imperative that we model this in our lives and in the classroom.

One key for me has been that self-awareness, that acceptance of my flaws, that allows me to accept the flaws in others. That acceptance has limits, of course. By truly seeing others, their intentions become clearer much faster, and with our own self-awareness, we know what we are willing to accept and what we are not. This is also something that we model for others no matter their age.

Still, self-awareness is not a destination. It requires attention, reflection, and action. It also requires vulnerability. I have seen the impact that even a small amount of self-awareness has on the young people I work with and my own children. This can be as simple as watching a young person shift from blaming others when they make mistakes to acknowledging their shortcomings and making a plan. It makes so many things in life more easily navigable, and it leads to better choices, and a better understanding of others. Growing into an adult is a tumultuous time of getting to know oneself, trying to understand “who am I?” This work never really stops, but it can be stunted without time to pause and reflect (which is hard to do in the throes of marriage, children, homebuying and adulting).

We can give young people structured time to pause and reflect, to become more self-aware. We can give them the lifelong tools and habits required to accept their flaws, to build connections with others, and to open their world. It starts with modeling and having open conversations about our own journeys, and creating spaces that allow for vulnerability and time to pause and reflect. When you start to notice people instead of looking through them, it makes the world feel less scary and it helps you place yourself within the fabric of this complex society we live in. When we deeply understand ourselves, we open the door to truly seeing others as complete individuals with their own complex lives and experiences. This recognition fosters genuine human connection — the most powerful antidote to the divisiveness that threatens our communities and our society as a whole.

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